Three years ago one of my Christmas presents was a pair of Space Invaders slippers. "Hell no!" I hear you cry, but alas, they have stayed with me for the past three years, and they saw some seasonal wear before the corresponding relatives went home stuffed with turkey and Christmas pud and I could remove them. Until now they have remained locked away, festering in my feet juices (pleasant), and when I uncovered them during a purge of undesirables, I decided they should go.

I put them in the bin. And then I put them in the bin. And then I put them in the bin again. Unfortunately I was fighting an uphill battle, as somewhere down the line before my rubbish gets anywhere near the bin outside, Mother spots anything of value and puts it somewhere noticeable so the appropriate family member can rescue it.

Today I confronted her about the slippers. I am not sure if it's the flashing LEDs on the left foot, or the "Pppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww" noise the right one makes with each step that really warrants these as valuable, but it was enough to have them removed from the top of the bag three times and placed on the side. I enquired after the third attempt. Mother explained that they had been put to one side to "be given away". I cringed at the thought of some poor African child opening their Christmas shoebox expecting to find it filled with sweets and toys, but be devastated to discover a pair of very smelly British boy's space invader slippers. I guessed it might very well damage diplomatic relations with that country as well as the poor boy's sense of smell, so have strategically placed them somewhere where no human will ever be subjected to them again, and think I have done the world a great service.

If you own a pair of space invaders themed slippers, I urge you to do the same.