Whoever thought that calling the period when you produce a mountain of edible fruit a 'good year' was unforgivably deluded.

This morning I was instructed to go pick some apples, a request which occurs once a year and strikes the fear into the soul of the poor unfortunate who is given the task. It's not the actual picking that's the problem. I have no issue with standing out in the sunshine, in the fresh air, being berated by the cat for giving too much attention to the apples, and just whiling my time away. What is objectionable are the painful thoughts of endless apple related foods for the next eight months.

Unfortunately, every three or four years we have a bumper crop of apples from the four trees in the garden. At the beginning of each of the past thirteen years (while we have lived at the current Higgs residence) I have dreaded to see if this year is going to be "it". I will go out, remove a vast quantity of apples, fill a few Jurassic Park T-Rex Transporter size-boxes full of fruit, only to look up and find there are exactly the same number of apples on the tree as before I started. It is paranormal.

Today I tackled one tree, and by the time I'd finished filling the available boxes, the tree had already filled up with apples again. The other thing is that this fuit ends up everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Due to lack of suitable containers, for the next six months we will be pulling apples out from every apple-shaped-crevice in the house and garden. There are stacks, bowls, pots, trays, counters, sheds, garages, washing machines (ok, maybe not washing machines) full of bloody apples. And next week the apple food will start. It's not too bad for the first month; apple crumble is great, but there is only so much you can handle before it starts getting to you.

• Apple crumble
• Apple pie
• Apple and blackcurrents
• Stewed apple
• Apple stew
• Apple and rhubarb
• Apples and cheese
• Apple sauce
• Apple dumplings
• Apple fritters
• Lettuce, raisin and apple salad
• Apples and custard
• Apples without custard
• Apples quartered
• Apples halved
• Apple juice
• Apple turnovers
• Apple upsidedown cake
• Grated apple
• Apple coul�e
• Porridge with apples
• An apple
• Apple in a bed of apples
• Baked apples
• Baked apples with a selection of apple
• Roast apple
• Grilled apple
• Fruit salad (with apple)
• Apple in a white wine sauce

The list continues. Prior attempts at selling the remainder of the harvest have always inadvertently failed. This is because most of them look, well, organic, which is what they are but does mean that they are usually riddled with nasty bits and not at all what you get in the shops. Father will sit there for half an hour spooning the bad bits out so we can have some apple with, well, anything. I even predict a downturn in behaviour from the the cat she starts finding apple in her Whiskers.

And one final thing; I don't even bloody like apples.