After catching my train to London on Thursday, I ended up meeting Swanny outside Euston and then going back to his house before heading over to Southend with Devito, Mike and Wadd.

Due to public transport being rubbish, we had to take a mixture of bus and train, but after 45 minutes and the contents of Swan's bag (beer) we arrived ready and waiting at the station to get over to Sean's. Now something I've come to learn about when I meet with friends from the southern counties is they have no comprehension of walking distance, and "Oh yeh, it's just down the road" actually means you could take a two week cruise around the Med in the time it takes to walk anywhere.

We did get there eventually, and after the guy at the offy tried to rip us off (I thought he looked a little like Pugsy from Soccer AM, but thinking about it, it probably was Pugsy from Soccer AM) Mrs P served a fantastic amount of gammon and mash and the festivities got underway.

Blane (Sean's brother) and Aidee joined us for some card games, but it soon became apparent that the younger, male part of the Perrotton family are adept at what might elsewhere be described as "cheating". Apparently in Essex it is perfectly acceptable to check other people's cards then hold up your fingers behind their head to indicate what's coming next. After about half an hour I started to get suspicious, and after thinking I had successfully rumbled their little raquet, tried my own tactics and learnt two important lessons; your best friends are out to screw you over and never try to out-cheat anyone from Essex. Bastards.

We ended up in some club called Mayhem after finding the first club we tried was full. In an attempt to make sure we didn't lose Devito (it's bad enough in Loughborough, but when you take him somewhere he doesn't know, you have to be particularly careful) we made sure he was not left unaccompanied at any time. The night was good fun, and apart from witnessing the odd yob-lobbing-a-pint-glass-at-someone's-head trick, we survived quite well. Several further lessons were learnt that night:

• Don't buy Sambucca in Mayhem because it is a direct cause of poorness.
• Telling Essex girls you're from Birmingham is not a good chat up line.
• Telling Essex girls that you work in a Safari park is, apparently, believable.

Despite our best intentions, and managing to keep Devito under surveillance for the best part of the night, somewhere on the hour long walk home (great) he got lost (surprise). To put into context the length of time he went missing for, the rest of us went to bed at around 3am, whereas Devito finally found Sean's house and rang the doorbell at 7am. Poor old Devito. Not only did it take four hours for him to finally get back home, his attempt to sleep in a shop doorway got him thrown out by an irate shop keeper and it was only because he had the nouse to buy a map at 5am that he ever found out where he was. He also lost his phone.

In the morning Wadd and I had every intention of going home. It took a giant fry up, a train journey to Illford and a trip to another off licence to persuade us otherwise. After leaving Sean's we ended up at Swan's again and started playing more card games, watching family guy and eating large plates of Mrs S's spag bol.

We started off in a bar that I can't remember the name of and there was a lot of body frisking (does anyone honestly think I could pull off packing a gun?) crazy dancing and meeting of people (mostly Swan's sister's friends). Later on we moved over the road to time and into Time and Envy, a club with legendary status amongst most Essex folk I have met.

The place was fairly busy, a very good Friday night, and yet again I found myself educating myself in the ways of the world. For future reference, it is always a good idea to ask girls if they have managed to keep their dinner down rather than wait to be told it. Especially ones who drink Bailey's by the half pint and consider an orange pepper a suitable alternative to a kebab. It really was a fantastic night in the traditional meaning of the phrase.

In retrospect, asking Mrs S, "Did you have a good night's sleep?" this morning probably was both unnecessary and badly phrased. I probably should have said something like, "Thanks for putting up with us last night, none of us can remember if it before or after 5.30am when we shut up." I think my lack of eloquence was at least partly due to the large number of noisy and angry midgets having a Royal Rumble in my head at the time.

I finally got on a train home at 2pm this afternoon, but am so glad that I am weak and capitulated to the second night out. Ah the memories.